Lately, I’ve been in my head quite a bit, feeling this lovely little thing called fear.
It is such an interesting space to navigate, being a college student but also deeply enmeshed in the spirituality and consciousness community. I find that I have been trying to fit into a box, make myself into the manifestation guru that seems to be so popular these days.
You know the one.
Law of Attraction, manifestation, creating your own reality. Their lives are so beautiful, so vibrant, so… whatever they want them to be. Don’t get me wrong, I lived this way for a while. But lately I’ve realized something: I don’t know what I want.
It is hard to manifest your dream life if you don’t know what you want to manifest. Honestly, spending all of my mental energy living in a manifesting headspace seems… daunting. Tiring, even. Often I find that there is another culprit: fear of being left behind.
This fear, for me, can also read as fear of failure, fear that I will make a mistake, and, sometimes, even a fear of success.
My mind loves to dance in this fear, because it keeps me in its power. My ego takes over and shows me all of the negative what ifs. What if I fail? What if I make something amazing, and then don’t know what to do with it? What if I manifest what I think I want and end up stuck with a life I hate?
What if?
But then I remind myself of three things:
- Fear is the ego’s playground. Fear is what we use, both as a society, and in our own minds, to stay stuck, to make excuses for staying right where we are. It also gives us a way to not be responsible for who and where we are.
- There are two sides for every coin. Negative what ifs (the what if I fail), always have positive what ifs. What if I succeed, what if I live a life that is better than I could ever imagine, what if I don’t stay in my box? What then?
- Fear can often be a sign of a calling you need to follow. Usually, fear is a form of resistance in the mind. This happens when it senses something outside of its comfort zone. Going into the unknown is a no-no for the mind. But the unknown is where the soul thrives, because there is no unknown to the soul.
You, as a soul, have a purpose, a destiny, and a journey all your own, and I can almost guarantee that it does not reside in the box of your mind.
I’ve realized this past summer that there is so much for me in this world, in this life. When I try to pinpoint just one direction, nothing ever seems to click. Often I find myself asking if I should even continue with nursing school, since it is such a different world than the energetic and spiritual one I’ve found myself in.
But my intuition always gives that one a firm NO.
I am meant to be in nursing school and goodness knows I am meant to be on this journey. But when you read about journeys in books, or watch them in movies, they usually have a destination. An end goal. It seems natural, right?
Start here, end there. Work hard, play hard.
But something is telling me that isn’t my path. Something is telling me that I’m here to push the boundaries, break the boxes, and raise consciousness. Even if that is just a post at a time. For me, that looks like riding this wave of ‘Flow’. Seeing what the Universe has for me now, and now, and now, without worrying about the outcome.
Don’t get me wrong, I have dreams! I would love to use this blog as a professional platform, to start a podcast, or to open a holistic health clinic after I graduate. I have so many ideas, thoughts, and possibilities. But often I find myself stuck inside of those. When I think about spreading this blog, or starting a podcast, or even just being successful, my mind offers up SO much resistance.
Typically resistance for me comes in one word: HOW?
How am I going to do this? How am I going to start a podcast, run a business, be popular in this constantly evolving world of electronics? How can I improve this, and that, and then this all over again?
That cycle gets tiring. I’m sure you’ve felt it too. But my mind runs around that cycle like a hamster on a wheel until I realize:
I’m putting myself in a box.
I’m trying to be like everyone else in this field, I’m trying too hard to be relevant, I’m trying too hard to be successful, too hard to not fail.
Simply put, my inner voice tells me, I’m just trying too hard. I’m not here to make things happen. At least for now, I’m not meant to be efforting a business, setting myself up for life, creating a successful blog with millions of readers, and a podcast that everyone loves.
It would be great, but that isn’t why I’m here. I’m here to share my journey. To share my thoughts, to be ‘radically authentic’, and to be fully me. To truly walk the talk:
I am the Observer.
I’m not here to manifest, I’m here to allow. To follow the flow of the Universe, to trust my path, and to allow things to be what they need to be. My mind is limited in its perception, and certainly stunted in its execution. But dropping the ego, getting into alignment, and living life through the soul… That’s what I’m here for. I have no idea where that will go, and no idea what that will look like.
Let me tell you, that freaks my mind out. My mind loves to plan. To schedule. When I was younger, my mom called me the cruise ship director. No joke.
So sitting here, writing that I am surrendering my life to flow, and accepting (observing) what happens next? My mind is not having it. But you know what? That’s okay. This is my journey, my calling, and my purpose. My soul calling.
My mind is just along for the ride.
This is me stepping out of my box, telling the mind it’s time to take a back seat, and to dedicating my life, and this blog, to documenting what happens when you live in flow, as the observer. I’m dedicating this blog, and my life, to living out the question: What if?
So here is to stepping outside of the comfort zone, living outside of the box, and truly leaning in to the mental fear of a soul calling.
So much love and light,
Izzy <3
